Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine