Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

I hope you folks are recycling correctly