Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

They did not miss in the small print

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.