Saw a TikTok where this woman’s car caught on fire & only her Stanley cup survived, Stanley responded that they’re buying her a new car. I’ve bought myself a Stanley cup and I’m hoping for the best.
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My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
same but as an audience member
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
That’s it.I’m out.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
So many people to disappoint, so little time
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard