Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words