Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
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Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
And now we wait
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.