Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

🔥🔥

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son