Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
You Might Also Like
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.