Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
❤️🦆
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
nothing saves money like being antisocial
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Mhm.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.