Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Whoa 😂
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.