Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

you’re not fooling anyone

R.I.P.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

Support your local cemetery

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not