Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?