Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
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My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
