Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Good morning
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
He-man has a Masters degree
synchronized noseblowing
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
#Caturday
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.