Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Huge, if true.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
work smarter, not harder
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this