Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

Nice try Hitler

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough