Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
New mindset, who dis?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.