Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.