Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.