Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?