Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
making sure he doesnt get away
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.