Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
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*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
SQUARREL
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
