Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

bout dat hot dog summer

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.