Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.