Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.