Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.