Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!