Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
You Might Also Like
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*