Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?