Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
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I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I’m hunting wabbits…
