Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face