Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Hitlers gonna hitl
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?