Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?