Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”