Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
he was correct
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
They’re called werewolves.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.