If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
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If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, βNo.β
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if Iβm just getting interested in crime
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch βThe Boys!β
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Primeβ’οΈ
Me: Wait a second
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The Home Depot guy doesnβt care why weβre buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Death: Iβm coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, Iβm not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: Youβre not even that hot.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so sheβs safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said βyouβre very handsomeβ he blurted out βdo you think Iβd be a good mayorβ.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* Iβm sure if I lay here and ignore it, itβll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[police station]
Iβd like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”