Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

Bloody internet 😳

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.