Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.