Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool