Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
You Might Also Like
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Last Monday I went to the gym and I’m proud to report I’m still en route
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.