Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
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‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?