Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.