Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

I’m not lazy

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.