Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.