Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Guilty! 🤪

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion