Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Only a mother’s love …
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.