Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

Happy Friday

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

this is literally a CIA plant

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Do not levitate over flowers

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

I have never related to a cat more

Ain’t no way

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

He just like my cat fr

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.