Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Going back in time, y’all need anything?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
the council will decide your fate
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!