Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.