Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
You Might Also Like
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
jesus, what did this guy do
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.