Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae