Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I will never stop laughing at this
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head