Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
You Might Also Like
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
my mind
You just read my mind
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail