Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
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Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Why is everyone getting married at me
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
