Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.