saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Ok but actually
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Me trying to look natural in photos
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?