Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”