saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
At least try to make it slightly believable
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.