saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Stop it! 😂
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes