Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.