saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.