Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

what do you want

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend