Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

Was it something I said?

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe