saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*mops up wine with cat*
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.