saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Worst Native American name ever.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds