Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Speak now or ever hold your peace

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*