Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

Print is alive and well!!!

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

moms in horror movies

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.