Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.