Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

ㅤ

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”